Greatness. Thank you Ani.

“Swandive”
cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i’m happy, i think that i’m blessed

May 3, 2012. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Greatness

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

From the speech, “Citizenship in a Republic” (1910) by Theodore Roosevelt

April 21, 2012. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Salty

I can’t sleep.

That’s pretty rare, considering I feel as though my bed is a Venus Sleeping Trap, and I can go on marathon sleeps.

But today is different.

I have a lot on my mind. Actually, that’s not too different from the norm, but instead of letting things lurk around in there like usual, I’m going to drain my mind of them before I go to sleep. I don’t do that often. And I learned from a good person that I should.

Today a difficult decision was made. One, that I hope will be beneficial for everyone in the long run. But in the meantime it’s just spawning a lot of hurt and sad on both sides. I lost a wonderful, gentle, loving person in the process. At least for now. Hopefully we can get past this at some point and be in each other’s lives again.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even capable of loving anymore. Can you really get so damaged, break so hard, that you are stunted in being able to share your life? Can you be unconsciously closed off? Especially with a good-hearted, supportive person? Or can things, as we say, just not work out? Was there something I was missing? Was there something i was unintentionally closing off?

I’m at a crazy turning point in my life. I want to love myself. I want to love my life. I want to stop feeling like I’m falling behind and instead feel as though I’m just getting started. I want to create. I want to feel. And I do want to be able to share that with someone. But something inside of me just keeps telling myself it’s not the right time. Not yet. There is still work to do.

I don’t think I ever really took the time to heal my heart from the Fall. I don’t think I took the time to look inside myself and be proud of who I was. Maybe I had stopped believing that I was lovable. Maybe I had convinced myself that I didn’t deserve better.

And then I got better. But I don’t think I was ready for it.

It’s not fair.

And I know you can change yourself at any time. I know you can work at things to make yourself and everyone and everything around you better. But maybe it’s a process. Maybe it can’t just happen in an instant. I guess what I worry about is, what if it never does happen? What if we’re never healed?

I want to succeed, and it would be so much easier to have someone by my side, cheering me on. But for some reason, I feel like what I am building is something I have to do on my own. I not only have to prove it to my family members or my friends, but myself. I have to stop being scared and start comprehending and understanding what I can do and who I am.

You can lose yourself in the years. The parties, the holidays, the gifts, the trips. Life can move by in a blink. I know I am a different person than I was five years ago, or two years ago, or even six months ago. I just hope I haven’t lost too much of my spirit and who I was along the way.

I almost feel like a hypocrite. So angry about the past, but seeing myself doing the same things in current times. Taking time for myself over others. Working towards my own goals. I don’t know why I can’t share that right now. I had been so upset with someone who had done the same thing to me. It kills me to think that someone may think of me in the same way. That I could have done more to not give up. I’m sad, and I can only imagine that other amazing person is too. And I would never ever ever want to have someone impacted in that way. And yet, here we are.

It doesn’t get any easier. These relationships. The lifeflow of people that we meet. In many ways, it’s just like being 17 again, instead of staring into a journal, you stare into a lit screen, trying to understand the unforgettable plot lines our lives take. Trying to figure out what it all means, what they meant to you. We let these incredible people into our lives only to find that on occasion, you can only do so much to make it work. The rest is up to fate, our wills, our strengths.

And yet, even with the absence of that person, we learn so much from them. I’ve learned that I need to learn to articulate my emotions instead of retreating to the written word. Unfortunately, it is what has worked for me. It’s the change that is difficult. I’m having a hard enough time explaining how I feel about this situation within this written word. But all I can do is keep typing.

And yet, I continue to pour my heart and thoughts out on the page, to friends and complete strangers. Why we do these things, I’m not sure. I suppose you are looking for some sort of support, or kindred spirits. But even I don’t feel as though I deserve that right now. I lost my greatest friend, and cheerleader today. I failed at the basic elements of human interaction and emotion. I failed them.

I wish I could describe to this person how incredible they are. How special they made me feel. How I appreciated it so much more than they will ever know. How I felt I didn’t deserve it, because I have yet to believe in myself and my capabilities. How their encouragement and guidance helped me to make what may be one of the greatest decisions of my life to start a business and become a leader. How do you thank someone for that when they are hurting? How can you make them believe it?

It’s sad to see that person go. You can only hope that you will be able to see them again, happier and fulfilled, when once again you can share in the combined joy of your accomplishments and healing of yourselves.

And there are more words that my heart wants to write on this page….but my brain just hasn’t figured them out yet.

April 11, 2012. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

Spinning or Therapy?

Spinning is a total mindfuck. Let me tell you.

I would like to just let out all of the emotions I had experienced during spinning class today. Normally I’m very open in my writing, but for some reason, I’m not as eager to today.

Me, on most days.

I basically cried on my spin bike today.

What. A. Loser.

I have a case of plantar faciatis in my right foot. I haven’t spun in over a month because it really is painful for me to go through an entire hour class. You stand up on the bike. You shove your butt out. You are winded and sweaty, and that pulsating foot doesn’t help any.

Basically, cliché as it sounds, you have to pedal through the pain.

I’ve been feeling out of sorts in my life in general lately. There is a lot of uncertainty. I’m working hard, but I’m also experiencing some tough times. Things are definitely not as easy as they used to be. Especially when starting up your own business.

So I basically walked into the new bike studio today, which was giving free lessons, feeling alone and wishy-washy about life. I just wanted to sweat out the pain.

Spinning allows you to just focus on the music, a beat and go go go with your legs. But it also allows thoughts to flow through your mind if you are not entirely focused. Those thoughts can get the best of you. And while your body is pushing and pulling and breathing and opening, your thoughts become clearer, stronger, more colorful. The blood is pulsing through your body and a wave surges through you.

It’s fucking overwhelming.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

I want to feel strong. I want to feel secure. I want to be happy.

A lump rose in my throat as I did my jumps. A sob expelled during my sprint. (Good thing the music was loud).

It was a release in the most demanding of aerobic activity.

It takes a lot out of a person to be Mighty Mouse. Always smiling, always saving the day. Sometimes, you just need a break. And lately, I’ve been feeling more human than mighty.

As scary as it is, it feels good to feel. Even if I had to get on mechanical object and sweat my brains out to get there.

And the problems may go unsolved, but who’s aren’t? Trying is what life is all about. If you aren’t trying and pushing, you aren’t really living.

March 31, 2012. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Remembering a Friend Who Is Still Teaching Lessons….

Nine years ago, on a gorgeous sunny day, much like today, I remember waking up and hopping on the IM to see who was ready to walk to class with me at St. Bonaventure University.

I messaged Emily Dupuis, my college bestie, went over to the mirror to fix my hair. Ten minutes later there was still no response. I messaged my good friend Kevin Okun. Also no response.

I decided to hop on the phone and call everyone. No response.

Strange, I thought. These people were usually pretty dependable.

I continued to get ready for class when I heard a knock on my door.

I opened it to find Brother Basil Valente standing there with those several people who I had called.

Something was wrong. Friars didn’t come to your door before class.

My palms started sweating and my heart racing. A lump rose in my throat.

Brother Basil sat me down to tell me that my friend Shane Colligan had passed. Shane, the recipient of several heart transplants had been fighting a few things lately, but came home from the hospital the night before. I actually remember standing in my DJ booth when he appeared to say hello. I yelled at him to get to bed and rest up since he had just been in the hospital. Little did I know he was saying goodbye.

It was 50 days before our graduation when Shane passed. Now it’s been nine years to this day. As I went for a walk this morning, I thought of all the things I’ve been worrying about. Why I’m not more successful. Why I’m not married. Why haven’t I been to Italy? Why my life is taking a SLOOOOOOW walk itself?

Then I smiled and thought about Shane, since today IS his day (and national Tom Collins’ day–for our friends anyway). I thought about everything that Shane didn’t get to do. He never got to get a job out of college. He never got to experience his first apartment or the ups and downs of his 20s. He never got to create a fake twitter account for Dr. Mary Hamilton. He’d be kicking me saying, hey! You are healthy! You have all the time in the world to do whatever you want! I never even got that chance!

It’s so true.

So many times we pine for what we don’t have, when we forget all the things that we do. Shane lived his life to the fullest, but it just ended too quickly.

I’m going to try to remember that I am lucky to be on this adventure and learning everything along the path. Some days may be scary and difficult, but at least I have an opportunity. Not everyone does.

Miss you Shane. Thank you for keeping me in line!

March 21, 2012. Uncategorized. 7 comments.

Becoming a Bonnie

Twelve years ago I was a bright-eyed freshman at St. Bonaventure University.  I remember talking to my dad that semester, telling him how my choice of school may have been wrong.

“I just want to transfer to Boston, dad.”

“Give it time, you’ll be fine. You’re at Bonaventure, what’s not to like?”

“There’s nothing here. I’m so bored. I don’t fit in.”

“Give it till the end of the semester. If you still don’t feel right about it, we can talk about a transfer.”

I gave it till the end of the semester, and I’m glad I did. I’ll be honest. Basketball made me a Bonnie.

Twelve years ago the St. Bonaventure men’s basketball team made its first trip to the NCAA championship in decades. I had always been a basketball fan, so going to a college with a Division I team was a bonus. I went to every game that season and even came back early from Winter Break to catch a few games.

The volume in the Reilly Center was like a wave covering your eardrums. The bleachers shook with kids bouncing up and down trying to whammy opposing teams on foul shots. The air was warm in a sea of brown and gold.

I loved the basketball program, but earlier in that Spring Semester I was struggling with who I was and where I wanted to be. Did I want to stay in a smaller school with a quality journalism program, but less outside opportunities or did I want to go to a big city, where I could intern virtually anywhere and feel the urban pulse running through my veins?

I’m definitely a city girl.

I had yet to find that excitement at Bonaventure that year.

Fast forward to March and the Bonnies were in the NCAA tournament. I remember sitting in Penny Williams’ TV Studio Production class. We were assigned to put on entire newscast that day, but there was something more pressing in the media than our rinky-dink class reporting.

The Bonnies were on national TV.

Being in the TV studio during the biggest game of the last 20 years was probably the best class to be in on campus at that moment in time. Prof. Williams tried desperately, flailing her arms through the window of the anchor desk, telling us to get back to work. Someone found the station the Bonnies game was on. As soon as it went into the first OT, we fled across the lawn to the campus bar, the Rathskellar. No one told the students to go there to watch, but we all did.

As we held each others hands while the Bonnies went into double overtime, overcoming adversity (and a bogus technical foul call) time and time again, I felt different. I belonged. There was a different pulse at this school. Not one of commerce or big buildings, but one of family and hope.

We all know what happened next. The Bonnies lost in agonizing fashion to big-money Kentucky. But that day, I still felt I won. I knew where I wanted to be for the next four years. I knew what it was like to have pride in my school no matter what happened. I knew I’d never forget how I felt about the people I was with or where I was that day. We were the little school that could. And I’d rather be somewhere that had to work to make a name for itself rather than wimp out and be somewhere that was already known and old hat.

Bonaventure, much like Buffalo, has a tough heart and pulls through adversity like the best of them. It’s better experience for a college student to learn those values, rather than just having everything handed to them. And when the Bonnies finally do win a championship, it will be that much sweeter.

Go Bonnies.

March 16, 2012. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Push and Pull and Inbetween

You can make a new start any time of your life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be January 1. It doesn’t necessarily have to be on your birthday. You can make change any time you want.

The problem is, we are so hung up on all of this “stuff.” Responsibilities. Worrying what other people think. Worrying about failure. Worrying about “how.”

Just…worrying.

Many people in life seem to have it all together. On the outside they look perfect and shiny and composed. They are the Betty Draper’s of life (see Mad Men). We wonder, how come my life is never that complete?

On the inside, Betty Draper is a mess. She covers her feelings and hides in her own world of fear, sadness and loneliness. In the 1950′s and 60′s, women didn’t have a lot of choices. They didn’t have a lot of places to run to. It was breakfast, kids, husband. Rinse. Repeat.

We still spend a lot of our time putting up a front. Looking strong for everyone around us. Even when our insides are doubtful and falling apart. It’s hard to be vulnerable with others. Even those we are closest to. It’s a true fortune when you can actually cry on someone’s shoulder and let it all out.

Some days I just want my mom to pull me into a hug again and tell me it’s all going to be ok, like she used to when I was a little girl, stroking my hair.  But I’m not little anymore, and things just aren’t the same.

We do such a good job at putting up a front and showing how together we are, that most of us don’t even know how to express our feelings anymore or our needs. What would it take to become 4 years old again and cling to someone’s t-shirt, staining the cotton with our tears?

February 21, 2012. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Family.

Family is so important. When all is confused and hurting and twisted, retreating to your family is sometimes the best medicine.

Family has made me grounded. It’s where I go to escape and feel nurtured. It’s a strange feeling of belonging and unconditional love. All can go wrong, but they can see no wrong in you, no matter how in pieces your life, soul and heart may be.

It’s still jokes and hugs and chocolate cake. It’s a funny story shared over a simple meal. It’s help in its purest form.

I can’t thank God enough for allowing me to have family. Ups and downs aside, sometimes they are all I really need.

February 13, 2012. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

The Bad Things…

Why is it that we always focus on the few negatives in our life than the hundreds of positives? Why do we make the bad things bigger than they really are?

I woke up this morning in the middle of a psuedo-shitstorm. People were upset about something that they couldn’t have and they took it out on the things and people who mean the most to me. Our world’s may be small, but when it is broadcast to others in the media, we see it as taking over in the big wide open. My problem? I take things way too personally.

I’ve also been having some financial struggles starting my business. I REALLY REALLY want this to work, but in the beginning, and for a while I’m sure, you have to cut back. There are no extras. I haven’t been used to this for a while. Part of me wants to give up. Part of me wonders if this will ever really succeed, if I’m crazy for even trying. Part of me just wants to get in the car and drive away and not tell a single soul.

It took someone today to tell me that I’m focusing too much on the negative. Then they gave me a list of about 20 things that I did right this week. Accomplishments. Good things. How could I just push those aside and forget them so easily?

It’s sunny out today. I think rather than wallowing in my stressors, when things get really bad I’m going to get up and take a walk. I do live two blocks away from a Cupcake Bar. And if anything I know that IS a positive.

February 9, 2012. Uncategorized. 3 comments.